Dear Valentine - All you need is love! Love, love!

It’s been a tough couple of years for many of us, with the strain and stresses of these extraordinary times affecting many aspects of our lives, including our relationships. As Valentine’s Day approaches this year, you might be asking how you can rejuvenate your relationship in some unique way. You may also be pressured to develop the perfect gift that conveys your feelings for your partner.

I've been married to the same special someone for 34 years. This makes the challenge both more exciting and a little more complicated. I don’t want just a repeat of the same old Valentine's routine.  Should I take her out to dinner? Indulge in expensive chocolates? Buy her a dozen roses?

These "things” sound great. But shouldn't this special celebration of love be more than just about "things"? How do I express the depth and breadth of this love in a way that truly honors it?  

As a practicing yogi and Buddhist for many years, I have learned that my "way of being" through loving-kindness is often the greatest gift I have to offer.  And even if "things" are involved, perhaps it would be wise to accompany them with a way of being that reflects my love for my mate. How might I engage in some small ritual with my mate that invites deep presence, appreciation, validation, and loving-kindness? How can I truly give the gift of "presence"? 

Before I became more aware, I had thought of love in two simple ways: Love that is received and love that is given. Hopefully, I would give it and get it, and in some balanced way, this would create happiness. Reflecting on that, I believe I may have been off the mark on love. 

I have since learned about another, more subtle form of love: love that is there. It is there because it is a natural expression, like the fragrance of a flower. The flower doesn’t exert effort. It doesn’t have a balance sheet. It just is. Instead of offering up the cliché of roses purchased at a florist this year, perhaps I need to cultivate a garden conducive to love so that the flowers of our relationship can bloom and freely give their fragrance.

So, how might I bring this kind of love to Valentine’s Day?

I was drawn to re-examine the Buddha’s teachings on love. I didn’t find much about flowers and chocolates. But I did return to the concept of dependent arising.  The Buddha was a pragmatist and very big on putting in place the conditions through wise action to create the desired state of being.  So basically, if you want the garden of love to bloom, you put the things that will help it do that. If we take the garden analogy further, many factors play a role, including the quality of the seeds and the variable climate. But the work of the gardener is also vital. The gardener creates the conditions of possibility through care and attention.  We still can’t fully control the outcome. However, we can control our actions and try to create the best possible conditions for success.

So what are some ways we could fertilize that garden this Valentine’s?  Here are a few ideas.

1. Engage in some practice or ritual for you and your partner to connect in mind, body, and spirit. This should preferably be a practice of a non-sexual nature to get outside the usual ways of expressing intimacy in your relationship. Maybe take time with each other and limit the conversation to focus on each other in affirming ways.  What do you value about each other?
2. Exchange massages – again non-sexual and preferably focusing on presence and attention with attunement to each other as intensely as possible.
3. Take a hike to a place of natural beauty that you both enjoy and hang out for a while, sharing your appreciation of all the things in life you love to engage together. What do you share that you value?

There is one more idea you might like to take advantage of this year. You and your partner can join my partner and me online for an extraordinary event. We’ll be leading Valentine’s Partner Yoga and Meditation Date 

It’s a 90-minute experience for you and your mate.  Neither of you needs to be experienced in yoga or meditation.  It’s our job to make it work for everyone who attends. Other couples will be there too, but you’ll be in the comfort of your own space together as we guide you in connecting and sharing.

From our past experiences in guiding this event, we notice that many relationships bloom and flourish as a result.  The connection deepens, acceptance grows, and loving-kindness abounds.  Please consider this option.  We’d love to have you along. Check this link for more details and registration information.  And above all, have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.  May your love bloom and flourish as you celebrate.

Michael Lee is the creator of the Phoenix Rising Method based on his personal experience of integrating yoga, Insight Meditation, and elements of contemporary psychology. Michael and his wife Lori are parents to five adult children and live in rural Massachusetts. This Valentine’s weekend Michael and his wife Lori will lead a guided Partner Yoga and Meditation experience for couples as their way of saying “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other and you.